Hi there,

Following up from my Brave Theseus and the Minotaur (free play) post a few months ago, I am happy to offer my fellow teachers another one of my plays that you can use and adapt as you see fit.  I put this on in school about 10 years ago and it went down pretty well.  Some of the songs you’ll have to find backing tracks for but other than that it’s all there.  I know it’s a bit early for this, but they’ve already got Christmas stuff on the aisles in Tesco and they’re advertising the start of Christmas24 on Sky already so I thought I’d jump in too.

It tells the story of the Nativity from the point of view of the sheep grazing in a nearby field, one of whom is devastated to discover that her darling lamb has been taken away by the shepherds.  What gruesome fate awaits her?  Will she be captured by Herod’s evil henchmen?  Will she be turned into a lamb smoothie?  Will Captain Kirk rescue her? You’ll just have to read it and find out.

If you put it on, and that would be an immense honour, all I’d ask is that you give me a credit somewhere when you do, in the programme or something, and that you tell all your friends about http://www.richardaustinwriter.com (I’ll check and make sure you’ve done the last bit, too)

Thanks everyone, and I hope you enjoy…..

 

The Baativity

by Richard Austin (if you click on the title above, it’ll give you it as a Word document)

 

The Baa-tivity – While the shepherds are away, the sheep will… well, they’ll just stand around mostly!

 

Characters –

Sheep –

Barney – father of the removed lamb

Josephine – mother of the removed lamb

Maud – the lamb

Gregory

Donnie

Giles

Carla

Herman

4 lambs – baa!

Wise men –

Balthazar

Melchior

Caspar

Shepherds –

Bob

Terry

Herod’s men –

Vic

Ronnie

Shane

Innkeepers –

Wesley

Cordelia

Citizens of Bethlehem –

Keith

John

Pauline

Marion

Kelly

Also featuring:

Captain Kirk

Mr. Spock

Dr. McCoy

Ensign Richards

 

 

 

Scene 1 – A field outside Bethlehem – Gregory, Donnie, Giles and Carla and a few lambs are standing around.

SONG – SILENT NIGHT

Gregory – Baa

Donnie – Baa.   Baa

Carla – Baa

Giles – Baa

Carla – Baa

Donnie – Baa

Enter Herman

Herman – It’s alright, they’ve gone!

Gregory – Excellent.   Where?

Herman – I don’t know, they just all left suddenly.   Some big thing going on in town or something.

Donnie – Carla, have you tried that grass over there?

Carla – The nice green stuff?   Green like on the Italian flag?

Donnie – No, not that stuff.   More green like a highlighter pen!

Carla – Oh that grass.

Donnie – Yeah, that grass!

Carla – Have I tried it?

Donnie – Yeah, have you tried it?

Carla – No.

Donnie – It’s good stuff, Carla.   You should try it.   Giles tried it.   He thought it was nice too.

Giles – Tried what?

Donnie – That grass over there

Giles – The green stuff?   Green like the green on the Brazilian flag?

Donnie – More like a highlighter pen

Giles – Oh, that grass.   Nice!

Carla – Hmm.   Maybe I will a bit later.

Gregory – Fascinating as this is, haven’t we got anything else to talk about?

Giles – We’re sheep.   What else would we talk about?

Gregory – I don’t know (thinks) (thinks some more) SHEARING

Donnie – In December! Be my guest.   I’m keeping my wool until the summer.

Carla – I might grow mine long.

Gregory – Not up to you though.   You’ll grow it until they grab you and shave it off.

Giles – I wonder if they’d do me a mullet.

Donnie – What do you want a mullet for?   You’d look ridiculous.

Giles – Business up front, party in the….

Enter Josephine and Barney

Josephine – (screaming) My lamb, My lamb!!!!! (grabs Herman)   They’ve taken my lamb.

Herman – Calm down, my dear!   Who’s taken your lamb?

Josephine – My Maud (sobbing) My beautiful Maud.   They took her.

Barney – It was the shepherds.   They grabbed her up and took her off.

Gregory – In the middle of the night?   Whatever for?

Josephine (sobbing)   Said they wanted to give her away as a present to the baby.

Donnie – What baby?

Barney – Who knows?   We must find her.   I don’t want my only girl to be… chops

Giles – Oh, don’t worry about that.   Babies can’t eat chops.   I’ll bet they’re treating her really nice.   Plenty of food, nice straw bed.

Barney – You think?

Giles – Oh, of course.   Yes, they’ll want to fatten her up a bit before they cut her into bits.

Josephine – (cries)   My Maud!

Herman – Really Giles, must you?

Giles – I’m only saying.   You know these humans.   They’ll put anything into a smoothie.

 

SONG – EAT IT (Weird Al Yankovic – You can use a karaoke version of Michael Jackson’s Beat It for backing)

 

Barney – We’ve got to find her!

Carla – What?   Go into town. We can’t do that.

Josephine – (cries) My Maud!   My lamb.

Gregory – We’ve got to do something.   She’s crying so loud we’ll have every wolf in Judea round in a minute.

Herman – Yes, we should at least send someone to look, make sure she’s alright

Carla – Baa

Donnie – What?

Carla – (nudges the others and points off stage) Baa!

Gregory – Oh, right, Baa

Herman – Baa

Enter Vic, Shane and Ronnie, Herod’s crack squad of enforcers.

Vic – Shane, Ronnie, spread out guys, we’ve got to find this baby

Shane – In a field?

Vic – Kid could be anywhere!   Herod said.

Ronnie – Ooh, yes, Mr. Herod, No Mr. Herod.

Vic – You got a problem with following orders, Ronnie?

Ronnie – Only stupid ones, Vic.

Shane – The kid’s supposed to be dangerous.

Vic – That’s right!

Ronnie – Right, a dangerous baby.   Maybe he’ll be sick on someone.   Maybe he’ll keep the village awake at night.   Yeah, we gotta stop him.

Vic – Enough talking.   Grab one of those sheep.   See what it knows.

Shane – Are you kidding?

Vic – I don’t trust ‘em.   Always standing around.   They see everything with those big eyes.   (he grabs Donnie and puts a sword to his throat)   What do you know, you 4-legged sweater-to-be?

Donnie – Baa

Ronnie – Don’t give us that.   You better start talkin’

Donnie – Baa

Shane – This is ridiculous, Vic!   We’re not gonna find a baby out here, man!   That sheep doesn’t speak English.

Vic – Sure he does.   Where do you go if you want a drink, sheep?

Donnie – Baa!

Vic – That’s right.   What’s the currency of Thailand?

Donnie – Baa!

Vic – Baht, see guys!   Name a city in Saudi Arabia

Donnie – Baa-

Vic – -Rain, Bahrain. Bahrain, right?   See, he speaks English perfect.   Knows his World geography too!

Shane – Come on, Vic.   This is insane, man!

Ronnie – Let’s go into town.   Someone there must know where this kid is.

Vic releases Donnie, who runs off.

Vic – Fine, (off stage to Donnie) but I’m not done with you!   This isn’t over, pal! (to Carla)   I’ve got my eye on you, too.

Exit Vic, Shane and Ronnie.   Donnie returns sheepishly.

Gregory – You alright, Donnie?

Carla – That was a close shave.

Herman – What does Herod think he’s doing, sending thugs like that out after a baby?   What if they find him?

Giles – Speaking of babies, what are we going to do about little Maud?

Gregory – We’ll just have to go into town and find her.

Carla – What about wolves?

Gregory – No, I don’t think we need to find any of those.

Carla – No, I mean what about wolves eating us.

Gregory – Oh, I wouldn’t worry. We’ll be quiet.

Josephine – (cries) My lamb, my Maud!

Gregory – All the same, better leave Josephine here.

Donnie – I’m staying too.   I don’t want to run into those soldiers again.

Herman – I’ll stay too. I don’t like town.   Too many…

Gregory – People?

Herman – Butchers!

Exit Giles, Gregory, Carla

Herman – (to Josephine and Barney) Come on, you two.   Let’s find you a nice patch of grass to eat while you wait.

Exit Herman, Josephine, Barney and the lambs.

Donnie – I don’t mind being alone.   I’ve been alone before!   I’ll just stay here

 

SONG – ALL BY MYSELF (Eric Carmen – first two verses)

 

Enter Three Wise Men, arguing

Balthazar – Well, where do we go now?

Melchior – Er… That way!

Balthazar – Are you sure?   Because I don’t see your magic star anymore!

Melchior – Yes, that is a problem.

Balthazar – Well, get the map out and let’s do this the old fashioned way.

Melchior – (pause) I didn’t bring a map

Balthazar – What?

Melchior – I didn’t think we’d need one.   We had the star.

Balthazar – Brilliant!   You didn’t think we’d need one.   That’s fantastic, Melchior.   A perilous journey across foreign lands.   Hmm, what will we need?   Water, food, A MAP!!!

Caspar – Come on you two, I saw some lights on the horizon. I’m sure it must be a town.   We can ask for directions there.   Maybe catch a show?

Balthazar – On you?

Caspar – What’s that supposed to mean?

Balthazar – Oh, it’s alright for you two.   You and Melchior are doing very well out of this little trip, aren’t you?   Melchior here had a vision.   We should bring gifts for the newborn king.   Some herbs and fancy oil, and what should I bring, Melchior?   Gold.   That’s fair!

Melchior – What are you saying?

Balthazar – Nothing.   This had better be worth it though.   (To Donnie) I don’t suppose you know where this newborn king is, do you?

Donnie – Baa

Balthazar – I don’t blame him.   Well, what are we waiting for?   Downtown it is!

SONG – DOWNTOWN (Petula Clark)

 

Exeunt.  

 

Scene 2 – Outside an inn in Bethlehem.   Pauline, Kelly and Andrea are chatting.   Wesley creeps out of the inn, hiding something under his robes.   He sits down and reveals a bunch of grapes, which he begins to eat.

 

Pauline – Nice night, isn’t it?

Kelly – Very nice for the time of year?

Marion – (to Pauline) I like your robe. Really nice!

Pauline – Thanks.   Primark!   Herod’s wife shops there you know.

Kelly – Really?

Pauline – Oh, yes.   She’s in there all the time.

Marion – So what are you doing for New Year’s?

Pauline – I don’t know, with all these tourists around we’ll be lucky to get in anywhere.   We could have a “Come Dine With Me.”

Kelly – That sounds good.   I’m happy to go first.   I’ve been trying out some new recipes with chicken.

Marion – And I’ve discovered the most divine lamb smoothie.

Pauline – Mmmm, heaven.   Straight to the hips, though!

Kelly – Oh, please, you need filling up anyway.   There’s less meat on you than a chicken McNugget.

Enter Cordelia. Exit Pauline, Andrea and Kelly

Cordelia – Wesley? Wesley?   Wesley!

Wesley hides the grapes back in his robes, desperately swallowing the few in his mouth.

Wesley – Over here, dearest.

Cordelia – What are you doing out here?   We’ve got guests waiting for meals, guests waiting for cleaning and guests waiting for meals!

Wesley – You said that twice, Cordelia!

Cordelia – There’s lots of them, husband.   What have you got in your robe?

Wesley – Nothing.   Not grapes that’s for sure. If I had grapes I would share them with you.

Cordelia – You’ve got grapes!   You selfish toad.   Give them here at once.

Wesley – I was celebrating

Codelia – Wesley!

Wesley hands over the grapes

Wesley – We haven’t been so busy in years.   We’re making fortunes.   I felt I deserved a little pick me up.

Cordelia – We won’t make any money unless we can feed them.   They’ll walk out on us and go down the road.

Wesley – Nope.   Everywhere’s full!   We’ve got it made.

Cordelia – You don’t know that Gordon.   He’ll pack them five in a room.   He’s even low enough to let people sleep in his stable.   Imagine that.   You’d have to be real scum to resort to that.   Packing people in with animals.   It’s disgusting.   Well, it’s still our duty to feed them.   I’ll get a couple of chickens from the stable

Wesley – NO!!!

Cordelia – Why not?

Wesley – You don’t want to go in there, with… the….. animals.

Cordelia – Why ever not!   Don’t be silly.

Wesley – STOP!! It’s… dirty… in there

Cordelia – Of course it is.   It’s a stable, you fool

Wesley – But, it’s… erm… out of service.

Cordelia – What on earth are you talking about, Wesley?   Oh, you didn’t!

Wesley – Didn’t what?

Cordelia – Wesley, tell me you didn’t rent out the stable to people

Wesley – I didn’t rent out the stable to people.

Cordelia – You’re lying to me, aren’t you?

Wesley – No!   Yes!   No!

Cordelia – I should have married Paul, the butcher.   My mother told me you were a mistake

Wesley – Shouted it from her broomstick probably.

Cordelia – How dare you!

Wesley – I know.   I shouldn’t insult your mother.

Cordelia – No

Wesley – She’ll probably curse me.   Give me mouse feet or something.

Enter Giles, Gregory and Carla

Giles – Baa

Gregory – Baa, baa!

Carla – Baa

Exit Giles, Gregory and Carla

Cordelia – Oh, don’t let them get away dearest.   I’m sure we’ve got room in the wardrobe.

Wesley – No, wardrobe’s taken.   4 children came along before. It’s quite big inside, you know.   They seemed quite happy with it.   Said it was snowing in there.

Cordelia – Mad.   I’m married to a madman!

Exit Cordelia.

Wesley – Ahh, life is good.

Enter Vic, Shane and Ronnie

Shane – We’ve tried everywhere Vic.   There is no kid in this town.

Ronnie – We ought to move on.

Vic – He’s round here somewhere.   You, innkeeper (grabs Wesley).

Wesley – What?

Vic – Where’s the kid?

Wesley – Not in the wardrobe, that’s for sure.   No, sir!   No kids in my wardrobe.   I would tell you if there were 4 kids in my wardrobe.

Vic – Wardrobe, huh?   Come on guys.

Vic, Shane and Ronnie leave

Wesley – Wrap up warm, it’s freezing in there!

Exit Wesley

 

Enter Bob and Terry, the shepherds.   With them is Maud, the aforementioned lamb.

Maud – Baa.

Terry – I think this is it.

Bob – Are you sure?   We’ve been to four inns already.

Maud – Baa.

Terry – Pretty sure this time.   Come on.   Don’t want to miss the party.

Bob – What are they going to do with a lamb?

Terry – That’s not the point.   It’s the thought that counts

Bob – In that case we could have brought some cheese.   This little lady’s worth quite a bit, you know?

Maud – Baa.

Terry – That is the point.   She’s worth a lot to us, so it means a lot that we give her to the new king.   It’s called sacrifice.

Bob – So, we’ll get something out of it later.

Terry – Yes, no, it’s just the right thing to do.

Bob – How do you know?

Terry – The angel told me.

Bob – The what told you!

Terry – The angel, in the field!   You were there too.

Bob – That was a fairy.

Terry – It was an angel

Bob – It was a fairy.   It had wings.

Terry – It was an angel.   Angels have wings too, and fairies don’t carry swords.

Bob – That wasn’t a sword, it was a magic wand

Terry – It was a sword.   It… Did you hear that?

Bob – Sounded like a baby crying.   Maybe this is the place.

Terry – Come on then. (they move on to the stable)

Bob – It was a fairy.

Terry – Angel

Maud – Baa

Bob – Fairy!

Exit Bob, Terry and Maud

 

Enter Carla, Gregory and Giles

 

SONG – LITTLE DRUMMER BOY

 

Carla – Did you hear that?

Gregory – Yes. It sounded like..

Giles – ..A baby!

Carla – No I heard a lamb.   This must be it.   Come on

Enter Vic, Shane and Ronnie, looking cold and like they’ve been attacked by a lion.

Vic – Not so fast!   (To Carla) I know you.   You’re that sheep.

Ronnie – Vic, it’s not worth it, man, let’s just go.

Vic – Not ‘til I get some answers. (grabs Carla)   Where’s that kid?

Carla – Baa

Vic – Another smart mouth, huh?   I know you speak English.   What’s Ebeneezer Scrooge’s catchphrase?

Carla – Baa

Vic – Humbug.   I knew it, now where’s the kid?

Transporter sounds. Enter Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy and Ensign Richards.   Kirk stuns Vic with his phaser.   Shane and Ronnie run off.

Kirk – Captain’s log, stardate 2009.12.   We have arrived on the planet’s surface near a small settlement.

Spock – Captain, these wooly life forms appear to be the most intelligent species on the planet’s surface.   We should attempt to communicate with them about the strange star we saw from the Enterprise.

McCoy – This one’s injured, Jim.   I don’t know if I can help.

Kirk – Bones, you have to help.

McCoy – I’m a doctor Jim, not a vet.

Kirk – Do what you can.   Ensign Richards, you follow those two armed men by yourself.   Spock.   Can you try the Vulcan mind meld?

Spock – Of course Captain.

Ensign Richards – Do you mind if I swap shirts with you first Captain.   For some reason I just don’t feel comfortable in red.

Kirk – Don’t be afraid, Ensign.   You’ll be fine.

Exit Richards.   While McCoy helps Carla, Spock mind melds with Giles

Spock – Baa

Giles – Baa

Spock – Baa

Giles – Baa

Spock – Baa.   It’s hopeless captain.

 

Scream from offstage.  

Spock – Ensign Richards?

Kirk – I warned him not to go off by himself.   Let’s get back to the ship (flips open communicator). Scotty, three to beam up.

Exit Kirk, Spock and McCoy- transporter sounds

Gregory – Well, where were we?

Giles – Going in there.   (to Carla) Are you alright?

Enter Maud

Carla – Fine.   Come on, we’ve got to… Maud

Maud – Hello

 

SONG – O HOLY NIGHT

 

Carla – Maud, we were worried about you.   Are you alright?

Maud – I’m very well, but Mummy and Daddy are probably worried about me, aren’t they?

Carla – Of course they are.   What’s going on?

Maud – The most beautiful thing.   A baby.   And such a wonderful baby.   Come with me.   Come and see for yourselves.

Exit Carla, Gregory, Giles and Maud.   Vic gets up and stumble off, groggy.

Enter Keith and John

Keith – So what have you got your wife for Christmas this year, John?

John – For what?

Keith – Christmas!

John – Christmas?   What’s that?

Keith – …………….I don’t know.   I just said it.   I don’t know.

John – Christmas.   It’s got a nice ring to it.   I don’t know.   What have you got yours?

Keith – Well, nothing.   I only just thought of it.

John – You’ll be in the doghouse then.

Keith – Only if she’s thought of it too.

John – Are you going to tell her?

Keith – Maybe next year.   I’ll just get her a lamb smoothie, it’ll be alright.

John – Mmm, lamb smoothie.

Exit Keith and John

Enter Carla, Gregory, Giles, Maud, Bob, Terry, Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar.

Bob – Great stuff.   I feel so warm inside.

Terry – Well, we are in the Middle East.   I get what you mean, though!

Bob – well, bye all. Merry Christmas.

Terry – Merry Christmas!   I like the sound of that.   Hmm (to Giles)   Are you coming back with us?

Giles – No, we’ll make our own way back.   Thanks though.

Bob – Did that sheep just speak to you?

Terry – Yes.   That’s different isn’t it?

Bob – Yes.   Still, I think a lot of things are going to be different from now on.

Enter a crazed Vic, yelling

Vic – What day is it?   (to Carla) You, what day is it?

Carla – (terrified) Christmas day!

Vic – I haven’t missed it (he gives Carla a bear hug)   Hahahahaha.   MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Vic runs off stage saying Merry Christmas to random audience members.

Exit Bob and Terry

Melchior – well, are we off then?

Balthazar – What about that show?

Caspar – It’s one in the morning, Balthazar.   I don’t know if anything’s going to be on now.

Melchior – Shame

Enter Wesley with more grapes. He walks across the stage.

Caspar – We should find a place to stay for the night, leave in the morning.

Wesley stops in his tracks.

Wesley – You gentlemen looking for a room for the night?   Come with me.   I’ve got just the place.

Exit Melchior, Balthazar, Wesley and Caspar.

 Carla – We should get home.

Giles – Yes, it is getting late.   Come on then Maud, let’s get you back to your parents.

Maud – I don’t think I’m coming.

Gregory – Really?   What about your parents?

Maud – They’ll understand.  I think I need to stay.

Carla – I think she’s right.   We’ll speak to them Maud.

Giles – Yes, we’ll make them see.

Maud – Goodbye.   And Merry Christmas.

Exit Carla, Gregory, Giles.   Maud is left alone on stage.

SONG – O LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM

 

Maud – Merry Christmas everyone.

 

Exit Maud

Exit

THE END